


Can't let you go

by LucyLightwood



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Colonist (Mass Effect), F/F, Minor Original Character(s), Paragon Commander Shepard, Shepard Survives, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect), its not mass effect without angst, they have children
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-09-11 15:33:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8996488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucyLightwood/pseuds/LucyLightwood
Summary: “Are you trying to save everyone or are you… looking for a way to die?”
Jane stops breathing for a moment. A way to die? She is a survivor according to everyone and she hates that. She hates everything she got for watching people she knew die. 
“I want to stop being a survivor”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a series of short stories I've written about my canon Shepard and her relationship with Liara, and her crew. Hope you like it :)

It’s late at night and Liara has her fingers tangled in Shepard’s hair. They are naked, body and soul exposed to the other, Jane never wants to look away.

“My mother’s name was Alice” She blurts out. She is not good at opening up to people and her bondmate has never pushed too hard. Sometimes Shepard wonders if that’s because being the Shadow Broker she already knows everything there is to know. Shepard prefers not to focus on that possibility. 

Either way, she knows Liara would like to hear this from her, to know her past even though she knows her better than anyone in the whole Galaxy. 

“And your dad?”

Jane smiled softly. Thinking about Mindoir was something she was used to avoid, but she was not alone anymore. 

“Frank. Quite common names, I know.” She looks up at her quarter’s ceiling. “They were nice people. Mom used to get mad at me for running around breaking things”

“My, Commander, a troublemaker”

She laughs and looks at Liara, radiant. The asari is sure she has never seen Jane so beautiful, so soft and open.

“I think it’s a little obvious I never played with dolls. I… Mindoir was beautiful. It wasn’t the Citadel or Illium or a big city… It was home” her voice breaks and Liara’s heart does too. She knows the feeling of losing your home, watching unable to do anything to stop it. “’m sorry, Liara. You shouldn’t see me like this” She shifts, looking up and away from her bondmate. 

“You don’t have to act all mighty in front of me, you know that” She whispers moving closer and hugging her with care. 

“I saw it all. My family, friends… All those people. And I hid.” She has her teeth so tight Liara thinks she is going to break them. “I did nothing, Liara, nothing. I should’ve… ”

“No, Shepard, those slavers knew what they were doing, and you were a kid. Nothing could’ve stopped them” Shepard closes her eyes and softly nods, but Liara knows she still blames herself silently in her head. “When we lost Thessia you told me it wasn’t my fault. That there was nothing that I could have done…”

“Because there wasn’t” Jane looks sharply at Liara, protective in her own way “The Reapers… and Cerberus. They won that. They took your home. Not you…”

“But you should have known better. Isn’t that what you said? You are still blaming yourself, Shepard”

The Commander sighs softly and moves closer, hiding her face against the Asari’s neck. “I don’t blame myself. Not for everything…”

“We both know that’s a lie” Liara whispers caressing her long brown hair, she wishes Jane would let it loose more often. “Mindoir was not your fault, Akuze was not your fault, and neither was Thessia… or what happened to Kaidan or…”

“Please, Liara” She whispers, her voice breaking at all those memories at once. She feels her bondmate’s tranquilizing touches and that makes her feel a bit better. 

“Are you trying to save everyone or are you… looking for a way to die?”

Jane stops breathing for a moment. A way to die? She is a survivor according to everyone and she hates that. She hates everything she got for watching people she knew die. 

“I want to stop being a survivor”

“Jane… Please, you can’t give up now”

“No, listen to me” Shepard moves to look at her face, and cups one of her blue cheeks. “I want to start living. I keep seeing people die, and I survive because apparently that’s what I do. And I’m tired. But yes, Liara, if I can save everyone I will, even if it takes my own life.” She looks down, knowing that that would mean breaking her promise to Liara. 

“I don’t know how this war is going to end, but I do not want to lose you” Liara hugged her tight, trying not to cry. Or at least that’s what Jane was doing, clutching at her and trying to breathe evenly. She wasn’t a woman who cried, her last tears had all gone in a rage frenzy after Akuze. But Liara… She felt raw around her, and in a good way. In the best way.

“I want this all to stop, Liara” She admits, clutching at her more tightly. “I’m tired of death and destruction. I want a life with you. I want our blue children, our house on the beach or wherever. I want all of that… But we can’t have that if I don’t do this. No one can have that if I give up.” She looks at her bondmate and smiles sadly “And I’ve seen too many people die. I’ve failed to protect too many. I need to save you all” Their foreheads touch and they both hold a breath. 

“So when the time comes…”

“I will do what I have to, Liara. I will kill all those fucking reapers and I will save you all. Or I will die trying”


	2. Medals

Liara stood behind Shepard, slowly threading her hair, trying to tie it all up in a bun. Hair was an unfamiliar concept to Liara, although she adored it on her Commander. Shepard knew how bad she was at styling it, of course, but still allowed to be toyed with.

There had been a few months after the end of the War and Shepard was still bruised enough to be unable to tie her own hair. This fact exasperated her more than she showed, but Liara was there to help and soothe with her soft voice. Jane closed her eyes trying to look away from the woman that was in front of her in that cracked mirror.

“Everyone will be there” Liara tried, finishing off with her hair and sitting next to her. Shepard’s recovery had been hard and even though she said she was fine, Liara knew better. “You are a hero for them. For all of us” 

“I don’t want any more medals, Liara. Or congratulations” 

“You talked to Joker, didn’t you?”

Shepard opened her eyes to found a broken woman staring back. She was tired of seeing that every time she crossed paths with a mirror. 

“I did. I talked. He was silent.”

They both stared at the mirror, Liara was trying to find the right words. She knew what she wanted to say, but sometimes it wasn’t easy.

“He doesn’t blame you. Joker is hurt. EDI was…”

“Don’t.” Jane stood up slowly, her right leg and arm hurt every time she tried to move but she would be caught dead before using a cane. She wasn’t a proud woman, not really, but not being able to serve anymore hurt something inside of her. It’s not like she would have wanted to keep up with that life anymore. Not now when she could have one with Liara. She never thought she would be at the center of a war when she enlisted. The Alliance had saved her life and she felt she could do the same for others. Save people. Make them feel safe. 

And she was good. Oh, she was the best. Or that’s what they told her. And then suddenly she had a war to win, and millions of lives counting on her. On her choice. And there was her own life, pushed aside for all those other lives. And she had accepted it. It was her duty. 

But she had promised Liara too, she had looked into her eyes and promised she would be back. And she wanted to be back. Not only to fulfill her promise, but to have a life. To actually have a life. She had no idea where that life could take place. Another colony? She doubted she could live in a place like that without reliving everything again. 

Thessia was lost. 

The Earth was lost. 

So much was lost. 

“Shepard, I know this is hard” The small pressure on her shoulder brought her back and she looked at her bondmate. 

“Joker and I will no longer be friends. Not like we used to. I told him everything” That sentence alone felt like a lie, but it wasn’t. They had been there for each other so many times, saved each other’s lives. But something was broken between them. Something time would not heal. 

“Shepard, you did not kill EDI!”

“Yes, I did. The same way I killed all of the Geth” Shepard moved to put on her blue jacket trying not to show how painful it was to put it on her own. “I took that choice. I could have done better. Be better”

“No, you couldn’t. There was no way you could have known what it would have happened. You could have died! It… it’s a miracle you came back”

“I’m a survivor, am I not?” 

It was weird when Jane broke down like this, or when she became bitter and angry. Liara didn’t mind, she thought it was better for Shepard to just let it all out than to always keep it inside like she used to. It had been ages since Shepard had opened up about her family or Mindoir and since then Liara had gotten little information out of her. 

“It’s unfair that he blames you. You did what you had to, you killed the Reapers”

“If he had been up there, Liara, if he had been the one with the choice and whatever he did put you on the ground…” Shepard breathed slowly and looked at her, standing up straight like the soldier she was. “I would’ve put a bullet through him”

“No. No you would have not. I know you, Shepard” Liara didn’t move “I’ve seen you. You may believe you have caused so much death but that’s not true! You have saved so many lives. Mine included! I’ve seen you give second chances; I’ve seen you show mercy more times than anger! I’ve seen you in pain because you had to kill some merc who was barely old enough to carry a gun. I’ve seen you drop your gun and clips just to save one woman. Shepard you would throw yourself on a crossfire for any of us! And sometimes I don’t know if it’s because you are a hero or because you want to die!”

Liara was always so in control, all of the shouting made Shepard stare. Jane smiled sadly. 

“Sometimes I feel I’m only with the Shadow Broker. It’s good to know it’s still you, Liara”

“Don’t change the subject or I’ll have Glyph bothering you all night.”

“You fixed him already?”

“No. But I will, soon.”

Shepard looked at her hand, useless now that it was unable to carry a gun. She smirked, Thane would have something to say about that. 

“I just do what is right, Liara. I do not want any medal because of it.”

“You do more than what is right. You saved us all. And they need this.” Liara offered a hand “They need to see you standing strong. Let them know this world can be rebuilt. Show them your kindness.”

“Liara, if I could bring them back” She looked at her, eyes breaking, heart crying. “I would. All of them. EDI, the Geth, Benezia…”

Liara breathed in and out and nodded “We all would. But we can’t. Do you think I wouldn’t? When you died…”

“You don’t have to talk about it. I’m sorry, Liara.” She moved closer and hugged her finding comfort. “Let’s get this done. There’s much to be done.”

“Hackett will be happy to see you”

“I will be happy to see him, too” She added, and that much was true.


	3. Celine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard is really good with kids, to everyone's surprise.

“Shepard? Shepard are you…?” Liara looked around. The Commander was, probably, the only person in the world whom could slip away from her so easily. The Shadow Broker had eyes on everyone but her bond-mate, apparently. 

Liara was worried. Very much so. They had attended a charity event for an orphanage and she was not sure how that was going to feel for Jane. There would be many –if not all of them- children who had lost their parents in the War. Sad, lonely children. Children whose families had been killed by Reapers, right in front of them. But what was worst: there would be some children that would have had their families slaughtered by slavers. And Shepard would not have an easy time with that. At least that was what worried Liara. They had gone so far with Jane’s recovery that something like this felt like holding a bomb with bare hands.

“Jane?” Liara moved faster towards the figure she knew so well. Her Commander wore her hair loose now that she was no longer on the field. She seemed more relaxed, except those days when she would be quiet and sad. 

“’m here” She whispered, and Liara noticed the little girl that was right next to her. Both of them sitting on the floor, looking attentively at… was that an ant? 

“…Hello”

The little girl looked up and opened up her eyes quite a lot. “Oh… Uhm…”

Shepard smiled “This is Liara, my bond-mate. Liara, this is Celine. I just met her” 

“Hello, Celine” Liara returned the smile and looked over her shoulder once. Everyone at the event wasn’t paying attention to them, not really. That was good. They would always be… famous, in some ways, and neither of them liked that exposure. But they could handle that.

“And what, pray tell, are you both doing?”

“We are exploring” Jane answered with a childish wonder buried under her tone.

“Exploring?” Liara allowed herself to sit by them, remembering when she was a little kid knees dirty, trying to find Protean ruins. 

“Yes” Celine said, slightly timid. “We want to find where the ants live”

“Very important task, Liara. The ants are taking the food on that table, see?” Jane pointed at the said table with her head. A trail of ants was coming and going. Liara couldn’t help but smile because of that.

“Oh, I see.” She frowned. “Stealing is very bad”

“We are planning an ambush. But don’t speak too loud or the ants are going to hear”

Celine smiled excitedly at that and looked at Jane with shinny eyes. She had, what? Four? Five years? There was no way she looked at Jane in that way because of her actions. Celine would have been a baby during the war. Something hurt inside of Liara, that poor baby in the middle of so much chaos. 

“Shepard, I don’t think this…”

Jane looked sharply at her.

“Yes. I don’t think an ambush will do” Shepard added, trying to let her know they would discuss it later. “I think it would be better to barricade the food. If they can’t get to it, they can’t steal it”

Celine nodded seriously and stood up holding Shepard’s hand. 

“Jane…”

“Love” She whispered moving slightly close and kissing her on the cheek “I’m good”

Celine pulled at her hand “They are going to steal the chocolate…!”

Liara nodded softly and watched them go. She knew Shepard was good with children. Everyone was surprised by that, given how quiet Jane was. Sometimes even being a bit… hard or blunt. But with children she knew how to entertain them. And how to make them feel important.  
Maybe it was because of everything she had been through. Because she remembered how it is to be a broken kid all alone, with only the Alliance as a fatherly figure. 

Liara looked at Celine again and smiled. Well, Shepard had talked to her about little blue children, but she didn’t see why they couldn’t have a little human kid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) I have this headcanon about my Jane that she is really quiet and introverted, but she is extremely good with kids because she knows what's like to lose one's family and, well, everything.


End file.
